#1
i hate the idea that school shooters are always kids that get bullied- because people like me get bullied. and people like me dont shoot up schools. Who does shoot up schools is like privileged kids who's parents didnt hide their shotguns. Ig that bothered me in school- being called a 'troubled kid' as if i cause trouble. Im not trouble. I sit silently and watch my own torment. I fly under the radar, believing im the problem. Im not the trouble. Never have been. Im a traumatized, depression and anxiety ridden teen whos been tormented since i was in the fifth grade.
#2
I want loved. I want unconditional love and affection. im unlovable. Im ugly- not pretty like my girl friends and not handsome like my guy friends. Im small and weak and chubby. I dont have cool clothes or interesting conversations. I cant be dominant and hot. I want someone to look at me and think "f-ck hes pretty." or have someone want to hold my hands and touch me. But for whatever reason im not enough for anyone. Im second. Second choice to everyone. Every birthday party. Every relationship. Every trio and every friend. Second place, second place, second place. Never first. Always first to lose.I just want love...
#3
I only want to be a good person. I want to be good. I want to help heal others and i want to be relied on. I dont want to hurt anyone, and that means i hurt everyone. I cant trust myself. I feel lost. I feel like anything i do right could be wrong. I feel like i dont know myself. I feel like im bound to get yelled at and ruin everything. Maybe thats because i went through emotional abuse, but maybe i abused her? maybe im abusive? I never meant to be, i always tried to be sensitive and set boundaries and keep up those boundaries and never cross hers. But maybe after she left i became hurtful. maybe calling her out on hurting me was abuse? was i abusive? Idk...I feel like a shitbag. I feel like everythings all my fault.
#4
I want to live normally. i hate being so scared. im terrified of just existing. I say im sorry after every sentence. im so damn tired. im so tired.
#5 (another love vent)
I'm tired of living like this. I want to be loved. I want someone to want me, to feel my soul, to want to be around me and talk to me and love me. I'm exhausted from constantly feeling unlovable. No one wants me. People keep telling me that someone will come eventually, someone will love me someday, someones waiting for me. WHERE ARE THEY? Where are they? When are they coming? When will I be loved? When will someone want me? It's been YEARS. I'm falling apart. There's only so much I can do. I can like myself and take care of my body and work out and eat good food but it won't change how I feel. I can body positivity and happiness all i want but if no one wants me then what good am i? I can't help people or make someone else feel good. I can't give someone a kiss goodnight. Can't make cute nicknames. Cant cook with them, can't wipe their tears, can't tell them to eat and drink water, can't care for them, can't kiss all their scars, can't make cute playlists for them. I want to be loved, I know I deserve it, but it never comes. I want to be content with what I have, god I want to just be ok with being alone but I CAN'T. I need someone to fill the void. It's what I was made for. I need to love and be loved or else I can't function. Especially for 2 years? 2 whole years with no physical affection. No kisses, no cuddles, no physical relationship stuff. Im dying.